I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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