my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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