it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
