I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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