I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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