A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
