shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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