Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
