so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
