dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Pants are for mortals
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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