I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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