Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
