i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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