Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
