I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
