I murdered the dance floor call the cops
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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