Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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