my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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