Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
