Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
