Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
