Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
