1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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