If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
