No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
