can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize