He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
