can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
