when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
