is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
