woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
