Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
