went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
