Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
