i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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