I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
