Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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