I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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