Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Mom said you looked used
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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