My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
