I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
