after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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