you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
