Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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