I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
