Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
