please come you make the beer taste better
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
