Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
