I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
