Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
